The Social Paradox in Finland: Experience in the Friendship Programme
You probably have heard the stereotypes: Finns don’t talk much, they enjoy their personal space, and don’t mind spending their time alone – so it can take time to befriend them. Polychronis Tatsis, a current Master’s student in the Drug Discovery and Development programme, signed up for the Friendship Programme, organized by the Study in Turku, to get to know the local Finns better. Here’s what Pol has learned as a friend of a Finn.
From a pen pal to an international degree student
I remember it like yesterday. It was probably around 2006 or 2007. Our English teacher entered the classroom and sat comfortably on her ripped leather chair. She asked who wanted to become a pen pal with other students around the world, in an effort to strengthen our English skills. I raised my hand and she asked me the countries I was interested in. Without any further thought, I replied “China and Finland”.
The back-and-forth letter situation did not last long with the student from China, yet the Finnish pen pal seemed keener on writing. When I first saw “Turku” in the address I was pretty sure that my English teacher had made a mistake and gave me a student from Turkey. Little did I know back then…
Fast forward and in August 2021, my academic path led me to Turku to follow my Master’s degree programme. As a person listening to a lot of metal music, I was thrilled to come to Finland and potentially connect with metalheads and people in general. I texted my Finnish pen pan (yes, exchange of social media had occurred prior, because letters seemed way too long to arrive) that I am in Turku and that I will be staying here for two years. We both could not believe how small the world is! We said that we would meet for a coffee and see each other in real life, but that did not happen for a year or so.
Settling in Turku, Finland
University started in the middle of the pandemic and Zoom sessions were thriving. As an international student, I expected to have many non-Finnish colleagues. To my surprise, out of the 20 something people in my degree, only 4 of us were internationals. As a result, I had a lot of interaction with Finnish people. Or at least, I tried.
You see, as a Mediterranean person, it is extremely easy for me to knock on my neighbor’s door and ask for sugar or lemon, even if I do not even know who my neighbor is. Plot twist! Finland does not actually work like this. I started feeling like those divers looking for Titanic, a bit hopeless yet kept searching. Finnish people seemed so difficult to open up, resembling a shell-like organism. You need to work on them, be patient, and then out of nowhere they open up.
I eventually met with my pen pan and we had a blast. I talk a lot so I was afraid that this would scare her. She told me that she wanted to send a message before but she did not. On the way home she said “I had fun. Let’s do it again!”. I felt pretty happy that it went well, even though I really had to dig in order to make her speak. That moment I felt like Greece and Finland had exchanged 12 points in Eurovision!
Introducing: the Friendship Programme
Months were passing by, Miss Rona was having the time of her life in almost every country and in general this situation was not the best one to meet people. As I was having a cup of tea with an Italian friend of mine, Angelica, she mentioned that she applied to a “Friendship Programme”. I asked her what it was about and she explained to me that the city of Turku, together with the higher education institutes in the region, had decided to create this programme in order for local Finnish people to meet internationals and vice versa. I was quite intrigued by this and I wanted to give it a try.
When she left, I opened my laptop and sat in front of it like another Carrie Bradshaw holding a pen instead of a cigarette. I started with the application and read carefully every single line as if I was buying a house. One of the questions asked us “what kind of person we would like to have as a friend”. The options varied from worked to pensioner and from student to a person who has a pet.
That time I quoted Will.I.Am saying “Go hard or go home”. I checked “worker”, “pensioner” and “person with a pet”. I was really crossing my fingers to get a pensioner. That would be wild! There was also a space to write things about us (personal, interesting etc,) so I decided to be as clear as possible. I wrote what I do, what my interests are and that I do drag. I put purposely the last part because I did not know if the matching of friends would be done via the organizers or if the Finnish person would choose the international ones based on what we wrote.
Did I just find a unicorn?
Some days passed by and I got an email stating that a meeting would be held in a university space in order to meet our friends in person. I was so excited that I would actually meet a Finnish person that WILLINGLY was seeking social interaction with a foreigner. While sitting on my carpet for a moment and I realized what was about to happen. I remember repeating inside my mind the quote below several times.
After accepting the situation, I stood up and looked at my reflection in the mirror giving me a thumbs up. Times like this I really feel I am acting in “The Truman Show”.
Another fast-forward and the evening where we would meet our friends arrived. I arrived in the hall and I was amazed by how many people were actually present. The space was so overloaded with people, I could not believe it! I asked two girls about how I will find my friend and they replied to me saying that since I am international, my Finnish friend will hold a paper with my name written on it. I just need to search the room and keep my eyes open.
There were some people shaking hands or nodding to each other when they found their friend. People seemed happy beneath the masks. I mean, I have no X-ray vision, yet I can understand when someone is happy from their eyes. It felt like the starting scene from “Love Actually”.
After walking a bit and I saw a girl holding my name and looking around. I approached her and looked at her in the eyes. I nodded as quickly as the speed of Road-Runner and I opened my arms and we hugged. To be honest it felt very genuine from both sides and we were very excited. She said “Hello Polychronis. My name is Sanni, just like the weather. Sunny!”. I instantly was like “Ok, it’s a match!”. We started talking a bit yet since it was so loud, we decided to move a bit further. After some time interacting with each other and both left while having exchanged social media prior.
I went home and took my shoes off. I jump in bed and I wondered “Are Finnish people seeking social interaction in general and just hiding it or did I just find a unicorn?”.
Evening at a museum
We did exchange some messages and we then met again for a Christmas walk. I bought her a strawberry mochi and when we saw each other we waved from far like we were lost in a shipwreck. We walked, we talked and we decided to find a date in order to go to a museum. I really enjoyed the fact that we both talked at the same level and I did not feel uncomfortable at all. I hope she did not as well!
So, museum evening had arrived and we decided to go to the Turku Art Museum. We left our jackets to the cloakroom and walked towards the exhibitions. Me, I was just wondering around taking deep breaths while seeing the paintings. I usually do not read the captions since I prefer the visual part to draw my attention. Probably a mistake, but who are you to judge me, right?
Sanni was taking it slower, looking more dedicated. In one room, I saw her standing quite a while at a painting and looking at it. I wondered why, so when she left, I visited this painting again. The caption read “A Sunny Day” by Elin Danielson-Gambogi. I raised my eye-brows as high as a newbie drag quick draws them and I walked away with a smile. I asked her (yes, I kind of want to know stuff about people and I ask a lot of questions, ok?) why she stood there so much time and she explained that she enjoys this painter. She was pretty into art, explain to me many stuff about the paintings. In general, the museum evening was a hit.
We said goodbye and we went home. As I was walking home, I couldn’t help but wonder once again. Why do Finnish people are so afraid to open up yet they have programmes like this Friendship Programme? How come they get naked into saunas with strangers, yet they hyper-protect their emotions? Why are they so polite and always eager to help you when you ask them a question, yet they are so afraid of being social?
“I do things a bit differently: I smile at strangers”
The following day, if I remember correctly, we got an email about one of the Friendship programme organizers asking who wanted to give an interview for the newspaper. I found it a good opportunity, since me and Sanni have met many times and it would also be interesting to listen to her side of the story, since I can only type about the things I felt, from my point of view. And yes, as you know it, there are always two sides on every story.
We settled a date and I messaged Sanni that I bought her a Christmas card and if she is ok to give it to her. She was so excited and I was also relieved, because you never know when you might force someone’s emotions.
We arrived for the interview and we sat down. While the reported was asking as questions I had opened my ears like super antennas, ready to hear what Sanni had to say about her experience. I mean, I do not believe in God, but I did catch myself the previous night reliving that “Home Alone” scene where Kevin was praying to find his mom. The same way, I opened my mouth looking at the ceiling, moving my hands like a rapper saying “Ok, I know I do not believe that you exist, but let’s call you karma, luck or whatever. I really hope Sanni had fun. We cool?”.
I was so happy to hear that Sanni had fun and she enjoyed her experience. The reporter asked me why I did apply for this programme and that question triggered me. I replied that “Since I come from a Mediterranean background I am used to doing things a bit differently. I smile at strangers, I wave at children, I talk cute to dogs and in general I compliment strangers because why not!”.
She seemed a bit confused yet she let me finish. I continued saying that “I find it hard to interact with Finnish people. I mean I think Finland is like the Canada of Europe since everyone is so polite, yet I cannot catch a deep social interaction or even sometimes any social interaction. Is it the language barrier? The fact that I am loud? Or the fact that corona (not the beer) has dominated? So, I wanted to participate in this programme and see what is going on.”
She seemed very interested and intrigued to what I was saying. Long story short the interview was fun and after some pictures, me and Sanni exchanged Christmas cards on the bridge. We hugged and wished happy vacation to each other.
Prior to leaving, one of us (I really do not remember if it was me or her) asked if we can still send messages to each other even though the programme had come to an end. The other person replied “Of course sure!”. To be honest I am really happy that I do not remember which person said which line!
The social paradox
2021 left us and 2022 emerged still carrying the flag of pandemic. My first day returning to Finland I took the bus and I saw Sanni while getting off the vehicle. What were the odds! I will not say much more, but she invited me for dinner at her home, which made me very happy.
Conclusion (read this imagining Carrie Bradshaw writing at her Mac): “And then I figured it out. Finns are like those clams containing a pearl. You have to dive deep, you have to be patient in order to open them, but once you do, then you enjoy the inside at its fullest!”
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